Fear of "The Bad List."

Last week, a curious thing happened.

My 4 1/2 year old was acting up, not listening to his mom or dad about putting away his toys, or interrupting his mother when she tried to talk, etc.

When dinner time came around, he refused to eat -- even though we had cleared it with him ahead of time what was for dinner (home made breaded fish, rice, some veg.). Apparently, this breaded fish was suspect because it lacked perfect uniformity as brand name ones have in the grocery store and which he was used to at Daycare.

Fair enough. Trying to move fish on a kid is difficult at the best of times. All that was asked that he try it, which was not happening. This further led to a 10 minute attack of scorn upon the cook, the dish and whatever related entity popped into his head.

I then picked up the phone, and said: "That's it. I'm callng the North Pole. I'm telling them what you've been up to and that maybe you should be put on "The Bad List."

The 4 1/2 year old froze, completely astonished. He then got hysterical: "No daddy, no daddy, no daddy!!!"

We'll, then try some of the fish. After some inner conflict he was able to overcome, some fish was tried. A minor miracle.

I wonder how long this "Bad List" thing will last.

Reminds me of Ionesco, an absurdist playwright, who said:

“Childhood is the world of miracle and wonder; as if creation rose, bathed in the light, out of the darkness, utterly new and fresh and astonishing. The end of childhood is when things cease to astonish us.”

Bad Words

My 4 1/2 year old wanted us to hurry with the grocery shopping today. He was anxious to play with a Christmas train ornament, "The Lionel Train Red Comet Set", that he had waited a number of months to get, and our shopping was holding him up.

During check-out, he asked me if "damn" was a bad word.
Yes, I answered.
(Pause)
What about "beaver dam", he asked.

No, I said, that's a different kind of dam.

Well, he said, let's move this beaver-dam shopping cart and get out of here!

He watched my reaction and then repeated it about 4 or 5 times.

I let his mother field that one. I think she called him a "trouble maker" which only made him happier.

Don't ask me why, but this parenting thing is stressing me out.

Kindergarten Fears

My 4 1/2 year old was recently registered for junior kindergarten. With the help of his mom, he was expected to complete a form which identified his "kindergarten fears."

The fears recorded on the form included: "Dogs, Clowns, and Scary Rides."

Later, when I came home from work, he told me, he forgot to add: "Monsters, Ghosts, and Dark Places."

I asked him about "turnips" or "ghosts with turnips" but he just made a face at me.

I then thought about my current fears and why no one asks us about these so they can be better managed. These included: "Impression Management, Command and Control relationships, and Replacing group morale with 'Success Indicators'." I guess I also don't like scary rides too, but no one forces me to go on these...

100 Facebook Status Lines

I thought I would collect my past messages over time to see what they looked like:

Mark Winston worries that provincial political staffers with m.b.a.s have an impoverished view of civil society. Blue liberals can now split hairs with neocon tories. (June 30/09)

Mark Winston can use a Sidecar or a Bass ale right now. (June 30, 2009)

Mark Winston finds Facebook cacaphonic, many voices, dispersed noises. Sometimes a fun house, sometimes a hell.(June 29/09)

Mark Winston wonders whether a 4 year old's mother locking herself in the bathroom constitutes a surrender or just a disorderly retreat.(June 28/09)

Mark Winston thinks Toys R Us has prodigious influence over kids. I'm grateful they don't adopt the tactics of casinos --open 24 hours, black the windows, and remove all clocks too. (June 27/09)

Mark Winston 's 4 year old son has countered the threat of being read "The Wide World of Dolls" by agreeing to it. He stipulated though that Transformers constituted "dolls" and because they turn into vehicles, my book is really about this as well.(June 25/09)

Mark Winston wonders why vast numbers of managers micro-manage but few try macro-managing.(June 25//09)

Mark Winston learned he can antagonize his 4 year-old by offering to read him books such as: "The Wide World of Dolls"; "Turnips are Tremendous"; and "Consecutive Childrens' Chores."(June 24/09)

Mark Winston needs a dump truck to unload his head.(June 23/09)

Mark Winston is wondering about the new approach to Father's Day. Dad is tied to the stake, set on fire, and asked to give an account of his paternal failures over the last year. Oh, and there will be cake. (June 17/09)

Mark Winston is happy he made his 4 year-old laugh by exhorting him to "have a big fat day!"(June 12/09)

Mark Winston is enjoying the "pirate english" option on Facebook now. Me troubles begone, matey. (June 1/09)

Mark Winston prior to preparing dinner, tells his 4 year old that "children is practically chickens..." (May 31/09)

Mark Winston worries about misguided faith in "managerialism" in Ontario's Public Service over staff experience and expertise. This story always ends badly and the citizens become victims. When will this outfit ever learn? (May 31/09)

Mark Winston 's 4 year old was given some apple juice by a caregiver and told he could share it with his mom and dad. My 4 year old said, "oh, they don't drink apple juice. They only drink alcohol." (May 30/09)

Mark Winston likes "All the world's a stage and all the stage is morality." (Wendon Stone) (May28/09)

Mark Winston 's 4 year old directed his mother to open the hood of the car for inspection. I don't care if it passes or not, he is not driving down the Don Valley Parkway. (May 27 /09)

Mark Winston is reading "Warren Oates - A Wild Life" and enjoying it very much. (May 27/09)

Mark Winston , though not a superhero, could use some help with his nemesis problem...(May 24/09)

Mark Winston in the spirit of "eat or be eaten", Mark offered to eat his 4 year old's leg if he did not eat dinner. The 4 year old hrmpped this idea and indicated that even with one leg, he could get around on a pogo stick.(May 21/09)

Mark Winston is impressed that the UK has a "Children's Laureate" who sees the job "as being an ambassador for fun with books." (May 14/09)

Mark Winston is stocking up on booze in case the LCBO goes on strike. Lots of wine and Mojitos. I'm ok on the tequila front. (May 11/09)

Mark Winston thinks a nice scotch would go well now. (May 9/09)

Mark Winston can't hop a jet plane like he can a freight train. (May 9/09)

Mark Winston 's theory of child-rearing is based on two things: always keep them off-balanced, and never turn your back on them. (May 7/09)

Mark Winston thinks Tim Hudak symbolizes Common Sense Revolution Redux. Sort of like Apocalypse Now without the drama or special effects. (May 3/09)

Mark Winston is concerned about the gap between espoused and enacted organizational values. In past times, we called this gap "purgatory." (May 3/09)

Mark Winston could use a stiff drink, either a scotch, a tequila anejo, or a Sidecar. (April 28/09)

Mark Winston likes "An investigation into a particular physical, chemical, or biological process might not pay off...that's why the private sector underinvests in basic science - and why the public sector must..." (Obama). Stephen Harper...hello? Hello? (April 28/09)

Mark Winston has learned that the organization where he works is moving from a bureaucratic to a post-bureaucratic model. As such, it is not so concerned with what he does as with what he believes and identifies with(!). (April 26/09)

Mark Winston has been without power for 18 hours now. Thank-you Hydro One! Now I know what third-world living is like. (April 26/09)

Mark Winston , a civil servant, was asked by an acquaintance if he was "busy." The response that came to mind: Bureaucracy never sleeps... (April 23/09)

Mark Winston is concerned about the lawn company that left me a note advising that I'm under attack by crabgrass, thistle, clover and white grubs! Do I act or do I appease? Lawn peace in our time?! (April 19/09)

Mark Winston thanks Tiny Bill Cody for his admonition "Stranger, we have no leader." (April 2/09)

Mark Winston For the G20 Finance Ministers: “Gentleman, he said, I don’t need your organization, I’ve shined your shoes, moved your mountains and marked your cards…Either brace yourself for elimination or have the courage for the changing of the guards.” [Bob Dylan] (April 1/09)

Mark Winston likes the UK's "...wanting a market that is free, but not values free, a society that is fair but not laissez-faire." (Mar 31/09)

Mark Winston longs for a 'changing of the guards' in many places. (Mar 29/09)

Mark Winston is concerned that book clubs are set up solely for women and solely for men. I reject gender tribalism overall...(Mar 28/09)

Mark Winston is drowning in a sea of impression management...(Mar 26/09)

Mark Winston wonders what the remaining McGuffin of his personal arc will be. He wants to avoid any midlifecrises that may appear...(Mar 22/09)

Mark Winston posted the results of an idiosyncratic Kierkegaard name query on his blog. See www.CollectiveCafeCorrecto.blogspot.com.(Mar 21/09)

Mark Winston wonders about the state of children's literature after being asked to read "Walter the Farting Dog," first in a series...(Mar 19/09)

Mark Winston [on the Facebook new layout]It was created by a machine for other machines and not people. It's an April Fools joke that arrived early. Dead. Decaying. Disheartening. [Mar 18/09)

Mark Winston 's smoking a Romeo Y Julieta #2, Rodriguez Arguelles version and multi-tasking. He also does not think the cigar is compensating for anything...(Mar 17/09)

Mark Winston is smoking a Diplomatico #2 for the first time in three months and feels all is well with the world. (Mar 15/09)

Mark Winston 's own dream guns him down...[Bruce Springstein] (Mar 13/09)

Mark Winston is just a backstreet gambler with the luck to lose. [Bruce Springstein] (Mar 13/09)

Mark Winston is soul engines running through a night so tender. [Bruce Springstein] Mar 11/08)

Mark Winston 's riding out tonight to case the promised land.[Bruce Springstein] (Mar 8/09)

Mark Winston 's 3 1/2 year old insists on watching "Horsepower TV" on Spike. I don't understand the appeal... (Mar 8/09)

Mark Winston is told by his 3 1/2 year old that if he has to go when outside, he can do it behind a tree. (Mar 7/09)

Remove Mark Winston 's taking in the poetic insights of ex-wrestler Rick Crilly. (Mar 5/09)

Mark Winston is at Harbourfront waiting for Jose Latour to read from his novel "Crime of Fashion." Go get 'em Jose! (Mar 4/09)

Mark Winston is show a little faith, there's magic in the night.[Bruce Springstein](Mar 1/09)

Mark Winston is on a highway jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive...[Bruce Springstein] (Feb 27/09)

Mark Winston is a togged-out, bullet-proof jazzbo (Feb 22/09)

Mark Winston is enjoying David McFadden's poetic documentary novel "A Trip Around Lake Erie." (1980)(Feb 20/09)

Mark Winston is reading Smith magazine's list of 6 words for love & heartbreak. (Feb 16/09)

Mark Winston is at Funnelz, a suburban commercial play area. Mark wonders where similar public spaces have gone. (Feb 16/09)

Mark Winston 's enjoying Jose Latour's new noir novel "Crime of Fashion" set in Toronto. (Feb 11/09)

Mark Winston recollects Tiny Bill Cody: "Stranger, we have no leader." (Feb 11/09)

Mark Winston 's preschooler insists upon repeated viewings of Buster Keaton's "The Railrodder" (1965). (Feb 7/09)

Mark Winston 's preschooler asks why no one can write a sonnet to a truck. (Feb 4/09)

Mark Winston is a melted-out half-stiffed grape cat. (Feb 1/09)

Mark Winston 's three year-old tells me he's going on an adventure. How is this different from any other day? (Jan 31/09)

Mark Winston is in a Carmen Miranda frame of mind. And no, it is not gay. (Jan 3/09)

Mark Winston finished throwing his three year-old into a snowbank. (Jan 28/09)

Mark Winston wonders if it is true, that to live in an undescribed world is too lonely (Nicole Krauss) (Jan 17/09)

Mark Winston As a left-handed 48 year old, I am grateful that I haven't incurred a mortal injury or the wrath of those who consider lefties sinister. Whew, knock on wood! (Jan 16/09)

Mark Winston is having Frank magazine withdrawal. (Jan 11/09)

Mark Winston is reading The Devil's Guide to Hollywood by Joe Eszterhas. (Jan 11/09)

Mark Winston just attended the first meeting of "The Honey & Hotsauce Bookclub" at This Ain't The Rosedale Library. (Jan 11/09)

Mark Winston is thinking about Hunter S. Thompson's workday: "violence, joy and constant Mexican music." (Jan 10/09)

Mark Winston enjoyed the book "The Uncommon Reader" by Alan Bennett. Very funny. (Jan 8/09)

Mark Winston is thinking about the recent death and heroism of Mark Felt (aka Deep Throat)(Jan 7/09)

Mark Winston is tired of all the opsimaths he is meeting...(Jan 6/09)

Mark Winston has advised his 3 year old that if he doesn't get out of the bath, he WILL turn into a fish. He is mulling this over. (Jan 4/09)

Mark Winston is thankful for Paul Seydor's "Peckinpah: The Western Films - A Reconsideration." (Jan 4/09)

Mark Winston against his better judgement, has become saturated with the juggernaut of children's programming, ie Treehouse. (Jan 4/09)

Mark Winston is disarming and dissuading his 3 year old from being a pirate. (Jan 4/09)

Mark Winston wonders why there is no "Stan Rogers Day" in Canada (Jan 2/09)

Mark Winston is now reading "A G-Man's Life" by Mark Felt (aka Deep Throat). (Jan 2/09)

Mark Winston is lobbying to make gay marriage compulsory: holidays, inlaws, conflict, it's only fair!(Jan 1/09)

Mark Winston smoked a Ramone Allones "Gigantes," and is probably compensating for something. (Dec 30/08)

Mark Winston thinks about entering his house justified...(Sam Peckinpah)(Dec 29/09)

Mark Winston is told to sit on the group W bench, now!(Dec 29/09)

Mark Winston wonders why no one in this damn town knows how to make a Sidecar. (Dec 25/08)

Mark Winston is getting in touch with his inner yodeler. (Dec 23/08)

Mark Winston wonders when exactly Coronation Street all went wrong? (Dec 22/08

Mark Winston is scheduling some time next week to smoke a cuban cigar. (Dec 21/08)

Mark Winston is insomniatic. (Dec 21/08)

Mark Winston responding to his 3 year old, who wants to know why he has to get toys from santa when there is stuff available on the shelves.(Dec 20/08)

Mark Winston is trying to deal with his 3 year old's "pirate attitude." (Dec 18/08)

Mark Winston is reading "McMafia" by Misha Glenny. (Dec 17/08)

Mark Winston is cautioning his 3 year old to stay on Santa's "nice" list or else he'll only get "girl toys" for x-mas. (Dec 12/08)

Mark Winston is finishing his last two ounces of Abelour scotch, wondering what's next. (Dec 11/08)

Mark Winston is grooving on Tiny Bill Cody (Nov 23/08)

Mark Winston is arranging a telethon for satirists to save Frank magazine (Oct 29/08)

Mark Winston Considering Richard Rorty (Oct 20/08)


(Well, close to a 100...)

Mother's Day + The Politician

Some of my "friends" on Facebook are writers, artists and politicians.

One federal liberal politician,Bob Rae, gave the following admonition yesterday:

"Bob Rae is wishing mothers a happy mothers day and asking children everywhere to send flowers, chocolates, and MAKE THAT CALL."

21 people said they liked this.

Then I wrote: The greeting card industry thanks you.

Then a fellow named Barry Clark Simpson wrote:

Barry J Clark Simpson at 19:35 on 09 May
"this is a really disappointing response ... Mark

BR's comment is not a greeting card industry evocation for whatever reasons it seems you are not on the same page as his good intentions were
perhaps there are reasons why you can't understand that?

what do I know?"

------

I responded:

I didn't know this was a choir from which we all had to sing a part...We all have our perspectives. Bob's a great guy but also a politician...and you know politicians see babies, apple pie, mothers day as places where political capital can be generated. I guess I don't have perfect faith like others might have...

Mr. Simpson wrote again:

Interesting response
Mark there's no choir in my mind on this - that i know of
I just show up from time to time for activity and perhaps adjudication... Read more
there's no room for faith in politics it's like a very corrupt entertainment industry
in lots of ways

I like Bob though - he is thoughtful and available it's a big job - he has
I'm sort of glad he's not the leader that gives him all kinds of flexibility

And he's no Stephen Harper

he is also open to being human

I give him that

I really give him that

it's a mess in Ottawa

I just like to support human beings that seem to deserve support even though they are are in the industry of Politics

That Bob checks in every day on Face Book is to me endearing.

Then I indicated I agreed. Mr. Simpson then wanted to find out more about me - on Bob Rae's channel "Who are you?" "What is it like with your preschooler...etc"

I answered some of the questions (that I was nobody noteworthy, and that my preschooler sees me more like his valet than as a superhero...)

Finally, in the end, the great man writes in himself:

Glad I could help you work this out - lol - and sorry to hear Mark's rampant cynicism about "politicians". Oh well.

Postscript: On an earlier occasion, when Bob Rae said he was going to Washington, I said "Why does this remind me of Jimmy Stewart and Mr. Smith goes to Washington?"

I should have also mentioned that the movie "The Candidate" with Robert Redford in the 70s was very revealing about these questions.

Kierkegaard Query

When I was in my 20's, for diverse reasons, I read a lot of Soren Kierkegaard. Kierkegaard was an influential 19th century Danish existentialist writer of great wit and intellect who wrote many religious/philosophical works. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard.

I found his mission quite ambitious and was impressed by the many challenges he created for his fellow citizens (in a good way), e.g. 'Attack upon Christendom' etc.



Soren Kierkegaard 'The Danish Socrates'...

Out of curiousity, I asked a number of different people named 'Kierkegaard' on Facebook whether it was a problem living with that name. Denmark is a small place (5.5 million) and I thought the reputation of Kierkegaard the writer might interfere with the identies of modern individuals with the same name. This would be especially ironic, as Kierkegaard did his best to protect the individual from interference as much as possible.

From my query, I received a number of responses from men and women of different ages and backgrounds to the question:"Do you or other 'Kierkegaards' found it difficult to live with the name? Does Soren Kierkegaard's history cast a shadow over modern Kierkegaards?"

Two people demurred in answering the question.




One person gave a very thoughtful response:

Well I feel it does commit to have that name. Many have asked me about his thoughts and philosophy, but I do not have any special insight. My part of the family comes from SK's brothers side. I find SK very interesting, allthough very complex. One of my favourites from is;

Individual human beings constantly find themselves in a state of “paradox” (a crisis that needs to be resolved) and hope to find a ”truth”. (a resolution of the crisis, after making a commitment to a particular kind of action).
So it is not just a matter of finding out how things are, but more a question of commiting one self to certain specific action.

Some of the younger respondents thought it was pretty cool:

Hi Mark! actually it dosen't hurt me at all, I just think that it's cool sharing blood with such a famous person. And my dad is even pretty look alike to Soren. And it's not just that we share the same surname we really are relatives. Where your from btw?

Another young respondent was non-plussed:

I don't really care. How do you feel about your own name "winston"?

A middle age female also echoed the younger respondendents:

Hi - not at all! My family members are all very proud to be related to Soren Kierkegaard and we like finding similarities when comparing our male members and statues of Soren in Copenhagen.

Some respondents answered in a relgious way:

Hola Mark W..
No.. Søren Kierkegaard lived many years ago.. And I haven't seen any shadow from him. Soren is in heaven, and there is no shadow in heaven...

Other respondents simply answered in a kinship way:

Hi
No - not a problem at all.... actually it is my husband's family relationship. The family are descendants after Soren Kierkegaard's brother...

Another respondent did indicate it was a problem, but only because of the literal meaning of 'Kierkegaard':

No, Søren does not bother at all. The only problem with the name is the teasing when you are a small child, because in danish, kierkegaard means cemetary.

Another responded philosophically:

Well... Besides being passed up by strangers on facebook every now and then, there are few consequences with bearing the same surname. Søren didn't have any offspring, and variations on the surname are numerous and not uncommon names in danish: kirkegård, kierkegaard, kierkegård and so on. In danish, kierkegaard means graveyard/churchyard.

Having studied philosophy, existentialism in particular, I am his intellectual descendant. He lived as a worthy and decent human - you shouldnt believe everything the press wrote about him in his own time, -- and I respect him very much as an ideal. His writings, especially Either/Or, has impacted me greatly, and helped me cope with my own existence.

I hope this is a satisfactory answer. Please excuse my english. It's not my native language.

These and others I did not quote, generally found no interference in their individuality by the 'grandfather of existentialism.' I guess this is as it should be. Had I put money on this, I would have lost this bet. Cheers.

Hyper-parenting, Play, Tears

Last night there was a documentary on the importance of play for children and how parents by 'hyper-parenting' and scheduling every aspect of a kid's life, have eliminated his/her opportunities for free play. It emphasized that free-play was a kid's way of learning adaption, problem-solving, and creativity. It also mentioned that kids today only have 1/9th their 'play-radius' compared to what they had in 1970 and that with all the organized activities they are involved in, they don't play enough by themselves. Unfortunately, I fell asleep at that time and missed out on how the whole thing turns out!

I find it interesting that my almost 4 yead old kid is obsessed with play, especially by himself. Last week, I bought him a $3.99 car carrier toy:

He was so obsessed with this toy that he played with it for hours and the next day, cried when he could not take it with him to daycare!

A week earlier, I took him to Harbourfront with him and bought him a 'modern' train:

This too, obsessed him for a number of hours. I don't want to give the impression that I buy him lots of toys (I don't) or that he grows bored with them quickly (he doesn't). Lucky for us, he plays with them for a while, then puts them away, and later brings them back into circulation a few weeks later.

Yesterday, he showed me something new. He picked up a stick, put it beside his head and told me he was a 'reindeer.' I took his picture at his request:

I'm curious if anyone has any thoughts about the nature of play and childhood and their experience with it. I like to think kids are pretty resilent, even in the face of 'hyper-parenting.'

Advice from a 3 1/2 year old:

Last week, while walking around Harbourfront, my 3 1/2 year old leaned in close to me and said: dad, if you're outside and have to go, you can go behind a tree.

Who knew a preschooler could be such a useful source of information?

Personal Moments (Odds & Sods)

I've had a lot disparate experiences over the last couple months that have been bouncing around that I thought I would now share.

1. Handling Pirate Attitude

There is a definite challenge in looking after a preschooler with a prankster sense of humour. He can just easily say "dad, I love you" and then steal your cell phone just to see if he can do it. This attitude gets enhanced after tv shows like "Backyardigans" tell him that if he really wants to be a pirate, he has to develop "pirate attitude." It's never defined, but he knows what they're talking about. Or, a show like "Max and Ruby" where younger brother Max always disobeys older sister Ruby because he has his own ideas of self-actualization (or self-determination if you will). My preschooler watches these interactions with diligent rapt attention. My strategy for overcoming these influences is by keeping the kid off-balance. Example: Today, my kid, who I'll call Child of the Corn, acted very well at Sky Dragon Dim Sum and his mother told him hours later that he was "amazing." I asked him why mom thought he was "amazing," he didn't know any tricks did he? He said no. 10 minutes later he came back and said, dad, watch this. Then he did a somersault. So, I reluctantly agreed that that could consitute "amazing." The point is I didn't let the kid get away with gratuitous praise while he's acting out his pirate attitute lifestyle.

2. Movies

A friend recently asked me if I saw the movie Slum Dog Millionaire. I told him that the only first run film I saw this year was "Wall-E" which was appreciated by my 3 1/2 year old, as it was his first time in a theatre and he felt unselfconscious about standing on his seat and yelling at the screen. Few movies offer this opportunity.

3. Books
I usually don't read as much fiction as non-fiction. But, I want to thank Charlie Huisken of This Ain't the Rosedale Library for inviting me to his biweekly bookclub which has had a lot of interesting books. These have included:

History of Love by Nicole Krauss

The Uncommon Reader, by Alan Bennett

A Trip Around Lake Erie by David McFadden

I won't give descriptons of these, only that I recommend them. And to support independent bookstores like This Ain't the Rosedale Library, 86 Nassau St. Toronto.

4. Facebook

I've been on Facebook now for about six months. I don't know exactly how to value it, though I enjoy it.

Pros:

Possibility of meeting very interesting, smart, accomplished people who might agree to share their ideas and friendship with you;
Find journalists, writers, artists, academics and politicians who agree to talk to you about their areas of interest;
Finding people you lost touch with.

Cons:

Hard to find groups that interact as well as individuals;
Hard to separate superficial interaction from non-superficial;
Having to figure out why complete strangers asked you to be their Facebook friend;